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Year in review
Jan. 2nd, 2002 07:05 pmWow. What else can I say? I have never had such a year of upheaval and permanence. Without a doubt, this was the hardest year of my life.
Having a baby is so life altering I couldn't even attempt to describe it. One of the hardest things is that while everything else changes (time, activity, life); I didn't. I still want my quiet time, my hobbies, to go out with friends unfettered. And that's a huge adjustment. The other is the permanence of it. When I've made every other major decision in my life, it was with the knowledge that I could always undo it. Picking a college? "Don't worry, you can always transfer if you hate it". Leaving grad school? "Well, I'll go back soon enough" Moving after college? "Well, if I hate Boston, I can always move" Picking an apartment? "Aaaah, the lease is only for a year" Even when I got married, I had "Well, if it doesn't work out..." in the far reaches of my mind. Being a mom, there's no out to it. No matter what, there it is. Which is not to say I couldn't wander away from it, but to do that would be such an act of selfishness that I don't know if I could live with myself afterwards. So, here I am. Nothing prepares you for that. Nothing prepares you either for the endless tedium of it. Diaper changes, playing, feeding. Day-to-day, it often seems endless, and unceasing, and pretty damn boring.
But it's also amazing. Nothing makes me love Wiley more than watching him play with her, and seeing how much love he has in his heart for her. She learns something new almost constantly. She's already changed so much in these eight months that I can hardly believe it. And, it won't really last forever.
And the house. I love my house. It's not perfect, and I can think of a million things I'd like to change or improve. But it's mine (well, yeah, ours), and I like that (besides, I can always just sell it ;) ) And as much fun as is it to live in the city, there's something to be said for a quiet neighborhood in the suburbs. Especially one that's right near a lovely boat ride into the aforementioned city. And near the beach, and parks, and a river I can kayak on iffen I ever get a kayak. Finding it was easy, getting it a little more difficult. Moving in 3 weeks before the arrival of Widget was miserable, but necessary. And FAR better than moving after the arrival of Widget.
And a new car. One we both like this time. And that we'll keep for a long time, and is fun to drive too. A nice thing to end the year with. As was New Year's in Rehoboth, but that's coming later.
Work. I've become more sure than ever, that computers are not the field for me. Certainly not this netherworld of customer support and disorganizes testing, projects and whatnot. I like my company, but there is no place for me here in the long term. But, if I don't want to be in computers, I need to figure out what I do want, and find a way to get there, and afford the probably pay cut. Since I work for a good company, there seems no point in moving companies within the computer field.
I feel compelled to say something about September 11th, and that almost makes me feel silly, and almost angry. I lost no one, and as far as I know, only people I know tangentially lost people who were tangential to them. I watched the events unfold on tv in horror, and then, really, I was over it. I found out later that a few people I know were close calls (the closest being my best friend's mom, booked on one of the flights, which she randomly changed a week beforehand). I felt a profound disconnect from many of my friends over our respective reactions to the attack, and our response as a nation to them. Some of that feeling still lingers, too. I don't think I'll ever forget that. And I remain more horrified, terrified and infuriated by the hay that our "leaders" are trying to make out of the incident than the incident itself. The attacks on civil liberties in the name of "security", in the long run will be far worse to our society than any terrorism can ever be.
Other good things I did this year include the trip out West, it reminded me of many things, good and bad about my father, it was great to see Kate, and my grandfather, as hard as that was. Also the Race for a Cure with Carrie and Widget, it was great to be a part of something about women, and something that attempts, in however small a way, to make a change; Northampton with the "gang" for Arwen's birthday; the rafting trip this summer, because it's good to get to do something that scares you, even if only a small thing; getting back in touch with some people I'd fallen too far away from in recent times; the wonderful news that Elaine and Brian are engaged and moving home, finally to within a distance that she can be in my life on a day-to-day basis. AND, I almost forgot, finding livejournal. It's been a great outlet for me, being able to rant, knowing that people can just ignore me if they want, and I've found incredible amounts of support in it that I don't find elsewhere, and it has brought me closer to a few people that I think I had not made enough room for in my life before, and that makes me very happy. Thank you all.
Definitely the hardest year I've ever had. But probably also one of the best.
Having a baby is so life altering I couldn't even attempt to describe it. One of the hardest things is that while everything else changes (time, activity, life); I didn't. I still want my quiet time, my hobbies, to go out with friends unfettered. And that's a huge adjustment. The other is the permanence of it. When I've made every other major decision in my life, it was with the knowledge that I could always undo it. Picking a college? "Don't worry, you can always transfer if you hate it". Leaving grad school? "Well, I'll go back soon enough" Moving after college? "Well, if I hate Boston, I can always move" Picking an apartment? "Aaaah, the lease is only for a year" Even when I got married, I had "Well, if it doesn't work out..." in the far reaches of my mind. Being a mom, there's no out to it. No matter what, there it is. Which is not to say I couldn't wander away from it, but to do that would be such an act of selfishness that I don't know if I could live with myself afterwards. So, here I am. Nothing prepares you for that. Nothing prepares you either for the endless tedium of it. Diaper changes, playing, feeding. Day-to-day, it often seems endless, and unceasing, and pretty damn boring.
But it's also amazing. Nothing makes me love Wiley more than watching him play with her, and seeing how much love he has in his heart for her. She learns something new almost constantly. She's already changed so much in these eight months that I can hardly believe it. And, it won't really last forever.
And the house. I love my house. It's not perfect, and I can think of a million things I'd like to change or improve. But it's mine (well, yeah, ours), and I like that (besides, I can always just sell it ;) ) And as much fun as is it to live in the city, there's something to be said for a quiet neighborhood in the suburbs. Especially one that's right near a lovely boat ride into the aforementioned city. And near the beach, and parks, and a river I can kayak on iffen I ever get a kayak. Finding it was easy, getting it a little more difficult. Moving in 3 weeks before the arrival of Widget was miserable, but necessary. And FAR better than moving after the arrival of Widget.
And a new car. One we both like this time. And that we'll keep for a long time, and is fun to drive too. A nice thing to end the year with. As was New Year's in Rehoboth, but that's coming later.
Work. I've become more sure than ever, that computers are not the field for me. Certainly not this netherworld of customer support and disorganizes testing, projects and whatnot. I like my company, but there is no place for me here in the long term. But, if I don't want to be in computers, I need to figure out what I do want, and find a way to get there, and afford the probably pay cut. Since I work for a good company, there seems no point in moving companies within the computer field.
I feel compelled to say something about September 11th, and that almost makes me feel silly, and almost angry. I lost no one, and as far as I know, only people I know tangentially lost people who were tangential to them. I watched the events unfold on tv in horror, and then, really, I was over it. I found out later that a few people I know were close calls (the closest being my best friend's mom, booked on one of the flights, which she randomly changed a week beforehand). I felt a profound disconnect from many of my friends over our respective reactions to the attack, and our response as a nation to them. Some of that feeling still lingers, too. I don't think I'll ever forget that. And I remain more horrified, terrified and infuriated by the hay that our "leaders" are trying to make out of the incident than the incident itself. The attacks on civil liberties in the name of "security", in the long run will be far worse to our society than any terrorism can ever be.
Other good things I did this year include the trip out West, it reminded me of many things, good and bad about my father, it was great to see Kate, and my grandfather, as hard as that was. Also the Race for a Cure with Carrie and Widget, it was great to be a part of something about women, and something that attempts, in however small a way, to make a change; Northampton with the "gang" for Arwen's birthday; the rafting trip this summer, because it's good to get to do something that scares you, even if only a small thing; getting back in touch with some people I'd fallen too far away from in recent times; the wonderful news that Elaine and Brian are engaged and moving home, finally to within a distance that she can be in my life on a day-to-day basis. AND, I almost forgot, finding livejournal. It's been a great outlet for me, being able to rant, knowing that people can just ignore me if they want, and I've found incredible amounts of support in it that I don't find elsewhere, and it has brought me closer to a few people that I think I had not made enough room for in my life before, and that makes me very happy. Thank you all.
Definitely the hardest year I've ever had. But probably also one of the best.
