(no subject)
Jan. 4th, 2002 07:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sierciaAbout a year ago, I read a newspaper article that talked about the biochemical brain reaction of love. This was potentially a quantifiable measure of how much love a person felt. Apparently, when viewing a love object, certain parts of a person's brain would "light up" on whatever machinery they were using to measure.
There was one little paragraph at the end that froze me completely. It stated that some small number of the test subjects had no biochemical reaction whatsoever, and that this led the researchers to hypothesize that perhaps there were people who are incapable of love. They simply aren't wired that way. It froze me because I instantly recognized myself.
I dismissed it, telling myself that it was a stupid excuse, and if I used that thought as a crutch, then I really was pathetic. But it's stayed with me. I can't forget it, and I can't shake the belief that it's true. Especially when I look at Widget. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to love her, and really, all I can dredge up is some passing interest, and an occasional "gee, she's cute". If nothing else could convince me of the possible truth, it's that.
I cry at sad books and movies, and most of it is not because I feel what the characters feel, but because I so desperately want to feel the way they do. All I feel is flat, and cold, and empty. The only real emotion I feel any more is anger. I doubt more and more often that I've really ever felt love - the closest I come is what I think love is, but I'm skeptical that it's the same thing. I certainly don't know what it means to him when he tells me he loves me.
He told me today that he was driven to do what he did because we've been drifting apart for a long time, and I no longer let him in. He still doesn't realize that there is no in, and he wouldn't be happy there if there was.
There was one little paragraph at the end that froze me completely. It stated that some small number of the test subjects had no biochemical reaction whatsoever, and that this led the researchers to hypothesize that perhaps there were people who are incapable of love. They simply aren't wired that way. It froze me because I instantly recognized myself.
I dismissed it, telling myself that it was a stupid excuse, and if I used that thought as a crutch, then I really was pathetic. But it's stayed with me. I can't forget it, and I can't shake the belief that it's true. Especially when I look at Widget. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to love her, and really, all I can dredge up is some passing interest, and an occasional "gee, she's cute". If nothing else could convince me of the possible truth, it's that.
I cry at sad books and movies, and most of it is not because I feel what the characters feel, but because I so desperately want to feel the way they do. All I feel is flat, and cold, and empty. The only real emotion I feel any more is anger. I doubt more and more often that I've really ever felt love - the closest I come is what I think love is, but I'm skeptical that it's the same thing. I certainly don't know what it means to him when he tells me he loves me.
He told me today that he was driven to do what he did because we've been drifting apart for a long time, and I no longer let him in. He still doesn't realize that there is no in, and he wouldn't be happy there if there was.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-01-04 04:19 pm (UTC)in other words, I don't think so, sweetling.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-01-04 04:21 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-01-04 04:22 pm (UTC)Part of being a husband or wife is unconditional acceptance. There's nothing I can think of that you could do that I would stop loving you for, short of perhaps mass-murder. And similary, I cannot believe the statement above. I've seen you love, I know you can, and I know you do.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-01-04 04:32 pm (UTC)Last night, I was talking to Jen and we talked about the differences between being in love and being in love in the movies. Everyone wants to be in love in the movies. It's so /easy/. Like this: You are in a grocery store. You look over and you see someone bagging groceries. And they drop their can of spinach and right there your eyes meet and there is an electric spark. And in that briefest of moments, you know that you and that person are meant to be together, and you will be together for the rest of your lives, and it will require no effort.
This is, to put it blandly, bullshit. This is why so many relationships fail. And I am a grade-a hypocrite for saying it because I am currently waddling through a failed relationship, but it's true. But that wasn't what I wanted to write to you about. I wanted to write about Times I Have Seen My Jenn Not Be Numb:
I remember going to see Ani with you and Elisa and Matt. But the highlight (sorry, Elisa and Matt) was being with you. We got to catch up, and I will never EVER forget the way your eyes lit up when I hugged you and thanked you for doing this for my birthday. Aaron was back with Wiley and I was having a perfect birthday celebration, and you knew it, and you smiled for me. And when you did, you lit up the room.
I remember receiving an email from you once. One of the questions (it was one of those annoying surveys) was "Have you ever been in love?" I remember answering a bland 'yes.' You answered (yet another thing I will never forget) 'abso-fucking-lutely!'. I was awed.
You drove down to Woonsocket to see me. That's love. Sure, it's not romance, and you didn't need to change clothes, but that's love. You care about me. I have no doubt about that. And you care about Kate, and your family. I saw and heard you defend Nick all last weekend. That's love.
Last summer at a party, you asked my brother to tell me that you hoped I was okay, and that if there was anything you could do, you would. That's love.
You bore a man's child. Maybe you're feeling crazy mad nuts about it now, but there was a time when it was worth it. I think. I could be talking out my ass at this point, but I remember the way you looked when you told me. You could have been saying what I wanted to hear, and you most likely were exaggerating your enthusiasm for me, but... I guess what I'm trying to say through all of this is...
I've seen the way your smile can light up a room. I saw it all weekend. It may not be the kind of love you're looking for right now, and it may just be that you've been depressed and unhappy for so long that you've forgotten how to look for those things, but, and I will say it again because it's so important to me, I'VE SEEN THE WAY YOUR SMILE CAN LIGHT UP A ROOM.
I love you. So much. And I think there are parts of me, parts that were exposed in 2001, that know where you're coming from.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-01-05 03:29 pm (UTC)I owe you so many thanks. For hugging me when I absolutely most needed it. For encouraging me to stick around. For paying me the biggest compliment of my entire little life.
These are things that I don't think someone can do if they are incapable of real emotion. Those aren't the actions of someone that is flat and cold.
Sorry to add another "We Love you Jenn!" post. I hate those. They always seem so insincere when I get them.
But I wanted to make sure that I gave you a very public thank you. And that I wanted people to know that you did those wonderful things.
So, thank you.
*hugs*
-C.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-01-05 04:05 pm (UTC)I think that just means people haven't been paying enough attention to you =)