SO done

Whatever reserves of patience I've ever had are gone. Completely. I used to be able to handle Widget being awful for a reasonable period of time before I snapped and lost it, and it's down two about 2 minutes these days. Especially since she won't ever let me put her down without screaming lately. If I really can't get anything done when she's awake, then she damn well better take her naps like a good girl, or I will kill her. Earlier today she was obviously tired, but pulled her "I don't want to sleep, so I'm going to scream instead" bullshit. I was the merest hair's breadth from slamming her into the wall. I started screaming at her, just "shut up, shut up" at the top of my lungs. Which, of course, made her scream more. Finally I just put her in her crib and left her there. I certainly wasn't doing any good helping her calm down and get to sleep. And it kept me from hurting her. But even downstairs, listening to her cry just made me angry; no sympathy, no concern, just "Shut the fuck up, baby, I'm tired of listening to it." No she's gone to sleep, I finally got some of my work done, and I'm trying to let go of my anger before she wakes up. I hope I can.

I wish I were a tomboy

Then I wouldn't go nuts trying to figure out what to wear. Do I wear tyhe long sleeve black velvet, do I wear the sleeveless long red thingie with pants? The dress is warmer, and more sedate. The red is gorgeous, but chilly, and I've worn it a million times. I can wear my gorgeous red shoes with the red thingie. If I wear the black dress, can I wear the fabulous red shoes with it, even though I don't have a red purse to carry? Or should I be boring, and wear the beaded black slingbacks? Or, maybe the gorgeous gold strappy sandals with the way-too-high heels I bought to go with my New Year's dress, and the antique beaded bag I have? Gack! How far am I going to have to walk tonight, how much standing am I going to have to do? Without knowing that, how can I decide on a heel height?

ARGH. I wish I were a boy.