Things to think about

[siercia]

One of the things that I was thinking about tonight as I was talking at knitting group was how your life can evolve, and turn into something completely other than what you expected it to be, how every choice you make causes all these repercussions that you migth never see, for better and for worse.

I know I'm not thrilled with my life where I am (mostly in terms of living space and vocation - I still like my husband and kid ;P ). I can see this vague shape of a couple different me's out there on the horizon, some that I like more than others, some that are more reachable than others, some that are downright terrifying in what they might require me to let go of before I'd be able to reach them, some others that might never work, no matter how much I give up. Unfortunately, the most appealling ones are the ones that would require upheaval and sacrifice, and might still never work. They also require a completely seismic shift in how I veiw myself and my contributions to myself, my family and the outside world.

I don't know if I have the courage to chase the brass ring. Maybe that's a sign that I don't want it badly enough, or a sign that I let fear of risk rule me (which should surprise no one), or maybe it's the intelligent voice of harsh reality speaking the truth. It would be easier if I didn't have the lives of two other people to cinsider in making decisions like this, too. How much can I ask them to give up so I can chase what might be a pipe dream? Because I can tell you that whatever I decide to do, I want Wiley by my side, and Widget with me when I do it.

For now, I thinkk I try to find a way to have it both ways. Head towards what I want to try, keep things as close to status quo as I can. Somehow though, I have a feeling that won't work for very long.

But I don't even have a target yet, sure this wispy shadows floating far out on the horizon. Where do I go from here?

Comments

[dchenes.livejournal.com]

Making yourself over, seismic-shift-wise, is scary and hard to do. But it's also usually worth it in the end. Your family loves you and will understand that. And you don't have to wake up in the morning tomorrow and say "Right, that's it, starting now everything will be different". You can start as slowly or as quickly as you think you need to. The important thing is just to start.

*hug*

[bookwitch.livejournal.com]

No advice really, just an 'I hear ya'. I remember posting something a couple of weeks ago about wanting to scrap my life (but keeping the husband and kid).

I'm sure we'll get through. I think I need to light a fire under my butt.

[enochs-fable.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, the most appealling ones are the ones that would require upheaval and sacrifice, and might still never work.

So what are those possible yous?

dchenes and my fiance (aah!) are right about making changes. I'm at the very cusp of trying to do some myself, starting with the very scary, but small step of taking the GRES. What scares me most about what I'm doing is that I don't have any guarantee that all that upheaval and sacrifice will get me what I want... but at this point, it's the best and brightest idea I've had in a long time, and I figure I can always change my mind. I've had the wind knocked out of me before, and it hurt, and tooks years to really process and work back from - but I'm still around, my life, while much different than what I imagined it to be, has a lot of wonderful people that I wouldn't have met had my other path taken off.

Re:

[siercia]

I hope you don't think I've been ignoring this question, I've been thinking about how to answer it and explain it. Still not quite there though =)

Re:

[enochs-fable.livejournal.com]

I figured it'd gotten forgotten in the rush of daily life. Still interested if you figure out how to express it!

Studying for GREs. Arr.