Goddess knitting
Jul. 2nd, 2004 12:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sierciawas good tonight. Last week was brutal. In that I don't even really want to think about it, much less talk about it brutal. Totally re-inforced my therapy-is-not-for-me beliefs, but that's another discussion.
This week was better. I left last week with homework - I needed to have a list of what I'd do given unlimited funds and unlimited freedom (i.e., I could choose to not be married, or a mom, or anything else, with no repercussions). And not a I'd buy this and this and this kind of list either (although now, thinking about it, that was entirely my own interpretation on it, she did make a comment today about how many people would have come back with a list of the things they would purchase.
So I thought about it, and I had my list, which I think I ended up truncating, because I blanked when called on in class, so to speak.
My list included:
MOVING. No more suburban gulag for me. I don't care about a larger house, I want to live somewhere I like instead of the best we could manage (which isn't much in Boston)
Travel - the kind I've always dreamed of. Not a week in Paris, but three months or six months or a year in places I really want to learn about
Learning - going back to school, but not in the "getting my Master's degree" sense, but the I can go take whatever classes I want, permanent studenthood Not just academic learning either, but some "I've always wanted to try this" kind of classes as well.
More gym time - sounds silly, but carving out a regular hour to hour and a half to work out is nearly impossible when you're a full time working mom. I guess that falls generally under the heading of more time for myself, but I guess it's a nuance thing.
In the end, decided my project needed to be about balancing my desires with the need for practicality. (For example, where we live - with a small child, there are good reasons to not want to be tied to the Boston Public school system, especially in the areas of Boston we could afford. Being close to my office is a huge help with Widget at home, as well as with juggling work and childcare. It was important to Wiley that we have our own home (I thought it was important to me at the time too, but I'm discovering that's really not true for me) There are significant financial contraints trying to buy houses in the Boston area. When you look at all these things, well, where we live really is the best thing we can manage for now. How happy it makes me compared to my "ideal" doesn't make it high on that list.) But that I need to work both on accepting these compromises in my life, and at the same time, get better at figuring out when I shouldn't compromise.
It's also about helping myself keep the perspective that many of the decisions I make at this point are temporary, because many many of them are tied to Widget's needs, and that in 15 or 17 years, those will be mostly, if not entirely moot. And god willing, at that point, I'll still have 20 or 30 years of good health in front of me with more freedom. That in smaller ways, some of the freedoms I crave will come sooner - as she starts to get older, she'll need me less and I'll have more opportunity to carve out my own space. When she gets a little bigger, and she can go with Wiley for a skiing weekend, or a racing weekend, or when she's old enough to come along to knitting circle and participate, albeit in a child's way. The woman running the circle is also a mom - her daughter is about 4 1/2, and she completely got me when I said how 15 years didn't really seem that long to wait, and it doesn't. As much as part of me chafes at the thought, the smarter part of me realizes that it'll be gone in a flash.
One of the women at the circle talked about how she keeps an actual list of the things she wants to do in her life, and adds to it as things occur to her, and takes things off periodically if her interest wanes. She said she found that keeping the list helps keep her focused on the things she wants to do, even though she doesn't treat it as a list of goals to work toward; that it just somehow helps remind her, and things don't get forgotten. I think I'm going to start keeping a list like that. What would be on your list?
Anyway, I think my project is going to be a shawl, possibly one I've wanted to do for a while, in this gorgeous Karabella white on white gossamer yarn.
This week was better. I left last week with homework - I needed to have a list of what I'd do given unlimited funds and unlimited freedom (i.e., I could choose to not be married, or a mom, or anything else, with no repercussions). And not a I'd buy this and this and this kind of list either (although now, thinking about it, that was entirely my own interpretation on it, she did make a comment today about how many people would have come back with a list of the things they would purchase.
So I thought about it, and I had my list, which I think I ended up truncating, because I blanked when called on in class, so to speak.
My list included:
MOVING. No more suburban gulag for me. I don't care about a larger house, I want to live somewhere I like instead of the best we could manage (which isn't much in Boston)
Travel - the kind I've always dreamed of. Not a week in Paris, but three months or six months or a year in places I really want to learn about
Learning - going back to school, but not in the "getting my Master's degree" sense, but the I can go take whatever classes I want, permanent studenthood Not just academic learning either, but some "I've always wanted to try this" kind of classes as well.
More gym time - sounds silly, but carving out a regular hour to hour and a half to work out is nearly impossible when you're a full time working mom. I guess that falls generally under the heading of more time for myself, but I guess it's a nuance thing.
In the end, decided my project needed to be about balancing my desires with the need for practicality. (For example, where we live - with a small child, there are good reasons to not want to be tied to the Boston Public school system, especially in the areas of Boston we could afford. Being close to my office is a huge help with Widget at home, as well as with juggling work and childcare. It was important to Wiley that we have our own home (I thought it was important to me at the time too, but I'm discovering that's really not true for me) There are significant financial contraints trying to buy houses in the Boston area. When you look at all these things, well, where we live really is the best thing we can manage for now. How happy it makes me compared to my "ideal" doesn't make it high on that list.) But that I need to work both on accepting these compromises in my life, and at the same time, get better at figuring out when I shouldn't compromise.
It's also about helping myself keep the perspective that many of the decisions I make at this point are temporary, because many many of them are tied to Widget's needs, and that in 15 or 17 years, those will be mostly, if not entirely moot. And god willing, at that point, I'll still have 20 or 30 years of good health in front of me with more freedom. That in smaller ways, some of the freedoms I crave will come sooner - as she starts to get older, she'll need me less and I'll have more opportunity to carve out my own space. When she gets a little bigger, and she can go with Wiley for a skiing weekend, or a racing weekend, or when she's old enough to come along to knitting circle and participate, albeit in a child's way. The woman running the circle is also a mom - her daughter is about 4 1/2, and she completely got me when I said how 15 years didn't really seem that long to wait, and it doesn't. As much as part of me chafes at the thought, the smarter part of me realizes that it'll be gone in a flash.
One of the women at the circle talked about how she keeps an actual list of the things she wants to do in her life, and adds to it as things occur to her, and takes things off periodically if her interest wanes. She said she found that keeping the list helps keep her focused on the things she wants to do, even though she doesn't treat it as a list of goals to work toward; that it just somehow helps remind her, and things don't get forgotten. I think I'm going to start keeping a list like that. What would be on your list?
Anyway, I think my project is going to be a shawl, possibly one I've wanted to do for a while, in this gorgeous Karabella white on white gossamer yarn.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sounds like you've had some great insights
Date: 2004-07-02 10:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-02 02:57 pm (UTC)It's funny that you say you don't care as much about home ownership now. I'm on the other end of that continuum I guess. I so want to own a house. Nothing big, nothing fancy, just a little place I can decorate and start a family in...sigh. I do think a lot of it has to do with where you live though. I love to walk, and being in a driving community would be hard for me too, esp. with young children.
Oh, and what is a goddess knitting - a place to find your inner yarn?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-04 04:37 am (UTC)I wrote this about the goddess knitting when I started it, I'll probably write more about it this weekend if I have the time.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-02 06:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-02 08:11 pm (UTC)Maybe I need to try this goddess knitting?