Sigh

[siercia]

Spent a good chunk of this afternoon with Josh and his family. Good parts were seeing another friend that I hardly ever see since he moved to Maine and meeting Josh's new little nephew Finn, who gives Widget a run for her money in the cute arena. Those were about the only good parts.

It hurts my heart so much to see Josh looking so sad and lost. I just want to do anything to fix things, to make him feel better, and I can't. I'm glad we went over to keep him company, and I'm hoping Wiley will go after work a few times this week to see if he can help out, or try to keep his spirits up. The worst was listening to Josh the die-hard Pats fan talk about how he thought maybe this year he'd just go watch the Bills play instead, which was something he and his dad did when the games didn't conflict (and occasionally when they did). Another friend told me that this is the first real loss Josh has gone through, and I don't think I imagine a worse first loss to go through - someone so close, and for it to happen so suddenly.

I'm glad I have Widget to distract me, she keeps me busy enough, I don't have much time to get all mopey and sad.

Worst for me is that I just don't know what to do... I have no idea what's appropriate and what's not, what's helpful and what's not. I end up being so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I end up doing nothing, then feeling guilty about that. For that reason too, I'm glad we went over today. Just being there to hug and talk and support helped, I hope.

Comments

[enochs-fable.livejournal.com]

You seem to be missing a something after 'I don't think I'

I offered my condolences to Wiley when I saw him last night, and am here to pass them on to you too.

A few thoughts on things to do: bring reheatable food so they don't have to worry about cooking for a few days, take him out to dinner somewhere if he's interested and let him talk if he wants, or mind Finn for a bit. Ask Josh's mom if there's anything you might do.

Being there

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's really anything wrong you could do, sweetie. Like Josh said, it just means enough to have us, and I mean US, not just me, there to sit and talk and be with him. Don't feel guilty, you're doing what needs to be done, just being there and listening to Josh and his family talk. Yeah, no one else in Josh's family has died in my memory, perhaps a distant relative, but he's got a healthy family, so this is really the first big loss for him.

I'll go over after work, and to the service on Thursday. You should come, sweetie, if you can make it.

[elsterm.livejournal.com]

I second what your DH said about not being able to do the wrong thing. I think just being there when someone is suffering is a huge help, and I'm sure he knows he can turn to you guys if he needs someone to lean on.

That said though, I know how helpless it feels to see someone in that kind of pain. One of my best friends lost both of her parents, and in all the years I've known her I've always felt inept when it came to supporting her in her grief. Finally one day I just asked her what she found the most helpful and she said "let me talk about them. Everybody always wants to protect me by not mentioning things that they think will trigger memories for me, but talking about them and remembering them makes me feel closer to them and it keeps them alive in my heart." I don't know if this is true for everyone, but I know that by asking her what I could do to be there for her I felt a little less helpless.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. This coming week I have class every day, but we really should make plans to get together the following week. How does Monday look for you?

[siercia]

Sadly (and I do meand sadly, I don't want to go), I have to go to Cleveland the following week. Only day I could do something would be that Friday, with Ms. Hannah. I'll be getting back from Cleveland on Wednesday, so would definitely be up for Friday if you're free.

And thank you...

[siercia]

I know being there helps. I've been trying to make sure people know what's going on, and spreading the word about the memorial service, since he said yesterday he'd really like as many people as possible to be there for it.

I don't want to be presumptuous (I spend most of my days fearing I will be) since he and I aren't very close friends (except in the way that you always end up being friends with your SOs close friends) and I don't want to push where I might not be wanted. But I don't think that matters that much right now.

*hug*

[siercia]

Thank you! Should have said I don;t think I can imagine a worse first loss to go through.

I think I'll plan on bringing food in a week or so, once the flood of friends has slowed to a trickle - Josh was talking yesterday about being overwhelmed by what people were bringing yesterday, but I know how often that slows after the funeral. Other than that, just trying to spend as much time with them as we can for the next week or so, and being there to listen. Not much else we can do, I suspect.

Re: Being there

[siercia]

Yeah, I know. It's just hard.

And I'm planning on being there, I've already told Jeff I won't be in on Thursday morning, we're going to work out the actual plan tomorrow, and Jenn will hopefully watch Hannah so that Imagy can go too.

[dchenes.livejournal.com]

I hate situations like that. You want to say something, and you have no idea what to say, and you wonder whether not saying anything makes you look more insensitive than saying the wrong thing...

Anyway, if you're going to be in Cleveland, I'll point myself in that direction and yell HI THERE when you're there.

[enochs-fable.livejournal.com]

Good plan about the once a week. I'm glad you're there for them.

talking about them

[enochs-fable.livejournal.com]

I have friends who have lost siblings and parents, and I too am at a loss how to support them - then or long after. I suspect you are right though, about having someone to talk to about them. It's just sometimes hard to figure how to ask without being nosy. Sounds like you struck just the right note.

[siercia]

I didn't realize Kent and Cleveland were so close together. I have the option of getting a rental car... Want I should get one and come to visit? (assuming, of course, that things don't blow up at the paper while I'm there...)

[dchenes.livejournal.com]

If you have time, I'd love to see you!

[elsterm.livejournal.com]

Actually, Friday looks good. I was supposed to have plans but I think they're falling through. Let's plan on it tentatively, and I'll let you know for sure next week if things are still looking good. It would be great to get together.

[siercia]

Sounds lovely. Let me know =)