That's the best part... The question mark
Mar. 7th, 2002 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sierciaI was watching this silly new show on NBC tonight... Leap of Faith, I think it is? Anyway, for those who have missed it, the premise is that chickie walks away from guy who isn't right for her 5 days away from their wedding, is trying to come to grips with the decision, and has met a new guy who she clicks with more, but she's trying to take it slow (yet, of course, somehow they always end up sleeping together). I said it was a silly show.
But, anyway, one of the things she says to him, in the context of angsting about her "new" life is that her life is "one big question mark", and he replies that the question mark is the best part... which makes me ponder my life. I said to Wiley the other day that it felt like the choice had gone out of my life... (there are no more question marks) because of the commitments I had made... to him, to Hannah, to owning a house. I'm hampered by financial constraints from changing jobs, since chances are, a significant change would mean a significant pay cut. I'm hampered time wise as well, really. Being able to work from home, and having such a short commute gives me more time with Hannah, and him etc. I'm constrained by time and finances from going back to school... can't afford to work part time, can't afford classes, can't juggle full time work, a baby and grad school. Don't even really have time to do volunteer work. Technically, I probably do, but only by shortchanging my family. So, my choices seem limited to finding a way to be happy with what I have (not always as easy as it seems) or walking away from all my commitments, and from the people I made them to, and trying to find new question marks.
Most of the time, it feels like my only questions marks are either really someone else's (what will Hannah be like, what will she do with her life, blah blah blah) or the what-if question marks... What if I hadn't gotten married, what if I hadn't had a baby... would I be happy? Would I live the exciting fulfilling life of travel, or school, or a job that pays crap but is fulfilling? Or would I have a crap job I didn't like, that I whined about constantly, living with roommates, desperately wishing I had a husband, house and baby?
I wonder if that's my problem... the lack of question marks. The feeling that all this is going to be the same until I die, even if it is mostly enough to keep me happy. Well, except the job. I'd like to change the job at some point.
I think too, that this common theme of tv/movies of the woman listening to her cold feet and running away from the guy that's not perfect and going on to live a happy carefree (perfect in tv-land) life as a single gal doesn't help either. Wether it's true or not, it re-enforces the ideas of "I've gotta be free to be me!" and "You can never be happy if you have to compromise even the smallest bit of yourself to a relationship" and "most women who get married do it to please other people, not themselves" and blah blah blah, yakity-schmakity. It reinforces my doubts about whether this was the best path for me, strengthens the siren call of the what-ifs. And even if I dismiss the message, it still seems to burrow its way into my brain and make me second guess myself constantly. And this cant be good for working on that first choice, of finding my way to being happy with what I have.
Maybe I just need to find a way to shut my brain off.
But, anyway, one of the things she says to him, in the context of angsting about her "new" life is that her life is "one big question mark", and he replies that the question mark is the best part... which makes me ponder my life. I said to Wiley the other day that it felt like the choice had gone out of my life... (there are no more question marks) because of the commitments I had made... to him, to Hannah, to owning a house. I'm hampered by financial constraints from changing jobs, since chances are, a significant change would mean a significant pay cut. I'm hampered time wise as well, really. Being able to work from home, and having such a short commute gives me more time with Hannah, and him etc. I'm constrained by time and finances from going back to school... can't afford to work part time, can't afford classes, can't juggle full time work, a baby and grad school. Don't even really have time to do volunteer work. Technically, I probably do, but only by shortchanging my family. So, my choices seem limited to finding a way to be happy with what I have (not always as easy as it seems) or walking away from all my commitments, and from the people I made them to, and trying to find new question marks.
Most of the time, it feels like my only questions marks are either really someone else's (what will Hannah be like, what will she do with her life, blah blah blah) or the what-if question marks... What if I hadn't gotten married, what if I hadn't had a baby... would I be happy? Would I live the exciting fulfilling life of travel, or school, or a job that pays crap but is fulfilling? Or would I have a crap job I didn't like, that I whined about constantly, living with roommates, desperately wishing I had a husband, house and baby?
I wonder if that's my problem... the lack of question marks. The feeling that all this is going to be the same until I die, even if it is mostly enough to keep me happy. Well, except the job. I'd like to change the job at some point.
I think too, that this common theme of tv/movies of the woman listening to her cold feet and running away from the guy that's not perfect and going on to live a happy carefree (perfect in tv-land) life as a single gal doesn't help either. Wether it's true or not, it re-enforces the ideas of "I've gotta be free to be me!" and "You can never be happy if you have to compromise even the smallest bit of yourself to a relationship" and "most women who get married do it to please other people, not themselves" and blah blah blah, yakity-schmakity. It reinforces my doubts about whether this was the best path for me, strengthens the siren call of the what-ifs. And even if I dismiss the message, it still seems to burrow its way into my brain and make me second guess myself constantly. And this cant be good for working on that first choice, of finding my way to being happy with what I have.
Maybe I just need to find a way to shut my brain off.
