That's the best part... The question mark

[siercia]

I was watching this silly new show on NBC tonight... Leap of Faith, I think it is? Anyway, for those who have missed it, the premise is that chickie walks away from guy who isn't right for her 5 days away from their wedding, is trying to come to grips with the decision, and has met a new guy who she clicks with more, but she's trying to take it slow (yet, of course, somehow they always end up sleeping together). I said it was a silly show.

But, anyway, one of the things she says to him, in the context of angsting about her "new" life is that her life is "one big question mark", and he replies that the question mark is the best part... which makes me ponder my life. I said to Wiley the other day that it felt like the choice had gone out of my life... (there are no more question marks) because of the commitments I had made... to him, to Hannah, to owning a house. I'm hampered by financial constraints from changing jobs, since chances are, a significant change would mean a significant pay cut. I'm hampered time wise as well, really. Being able to work from home, and having such a short commute gives me more time with Hannah, and him etc. I'm constrained by time and finances from going back to school... can't afford to work part time, can't afford classes, can't juggle full time work, a baby and grad school. Don't even really have time to do volunteer work. Technically, I probably do, but only by shortchanging my family. So, my choices seem limited to finding a way to be happy with what I have (not always as easy as it seems) or walking away from all my commitments, and from the people I made them to, and trying to find new question marks.

Most of the time, it feels like my only questions marks are either really someone else's (what will Hannah be like, what will she do with her life, blah blah blah) or the what-if question marks... What if I hadn't gotten married, what if I hadn't had a baby... would I be happy? Would I live the exciting fulfilling life of travel, or school, or a job that pays crap but is fulfilling? Or would I have a crap job I didn't like, that I whined about constantly, living with roommates, desperately wishing I had a husband, house and baby?

I wonder if that's my problem... the lack of question marks. The feeling that all this is going to be the same until I die, even if it is mostly enough to keep me happy. Well, except the job. I'd like to change the job at some point.

I think too, that this common theme of tv/movies of the woman listening to her cold feet and running away from the guy that's not perfect and going on to live a happy carefree (perfect in tv-land) life as a single gal doesn't help either. Wether it's true or not, it re-enforces the ideas of "I've gotta be free to be me!" and "You can never be happy if you have to compromise even the smallest bit of yourself to a relationship" and "most women who get married do it to please other people, not themselves" and blah blah blah, yakity-schmakity. It reinforces my doubts about whether this was the best path for me, strengthens the siren call of the what-ifs. And even if I dismiss the message, it still seems to burrow its way into my brain and make me second guess myself constantly. And this cant be good for working on that first choice, of finding my way to being happy with what I have.

Maybe I just need to find a way to shut my brain off.

Comments

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

chickie walks away from guy

That is so /you/, my dear. Jennifer and I were laughing about that last night. That is such a you thing to say, it made me smile.

Speaking as a single woman...

[tbons.livejournal.com]

That I gotta be free stuff...it's a load of bunk. It's great to be able to go and do whenever you want...but see it's not really whenever you want...it's when the boss wants, or when your family wants, or when your friends want...and sure I've got choices of things to do and places to go, but money constrains a lot of that. And, yeah, I can head off to NYC and work for a couple of months...but when I come home, there's no one to snuggle up with and fall asleep. There's no one to share ANY of my adventures with. When I get scared, and I want to cry, I can't just curl up with someone and have them wrap their arms around me. I don't even have anyone to fight with, and YES, some days we need to do that just to blow off steam. After all, the make up part is the best part. So yeah, the Tv industry would have you believe that the life a single girl rocks, when in fact, it can suck rocks just as hard as the days when it feels like there aren't any question marks left.

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have to agree with Ms. Toni Jean. Ask Ms. D about how happy she is as a single girl. She hates the show (we've watched it together these last two weeks). Says it's completely unrealistic that anyone who was so indecisive would have committed themselves to a man like her immediate ex, would wear their hair like that, would hook up with someone like that, would, upon getting out of a relationship, try to relationship-ize the other guy like that..

It's like my decision back in September that there are no Rhett Butlers, and if there were, they wouldn't be very nice people. Dashing, exotic, sure, but law-breakers, philanderers, flirts...not exactly husband material.
I'm just about at the point where I think TV messes up your realistic expectations.

I also think freedom is an illusion. That just isn't how it works. For me the worst part is the financial un-reality. Sure, people on TV can have huge apartments and wardrobes and shoe closets without any visible means of support (or an obviously fabricated one, IE Carrie Bradshaw), but look how far in debt I am trying to do that. And now I have to take care of it before I can do anything else. And still have to pay the rent, go to work, and all manner of realistic things. What the shows leave out is having to work for what you want. And I think it's equally true for the illusion of the single gal. More often than not, it's annoying roommates (but not Carrie), dinner for one, who's going to the ice capades with me, and wondering where you went wrong. And you shouldn't regret that you were 'deprived' of that, I think.

Don't let them alter your perception of reality. (I'm being emotionally manipulated by NBC!) Things aren't going to be perfect, but there's good points in everything. And I think there are so many good points to what you have now. And I know you think it's easy for me to look at your life and tell you it should be satisfying to you, and it IS...but that doesn't make it any less real.

I'm honestly not trying to put down your opinion...I just think that TV is a big lie, almost as much as corn muffins, and we shouldn't let it manipulate our opinions like we do.

Greener grass...

[imagine77.livejournal.com]

Always in the neighbors yard. yep.
I think I have a unique oportunity to view some of the warts in your life, generally speaking. Sometimes more than is comfortable in the moment. But I have to say this...I envy what you have. I fear that I don't have the capacity for a life like yours and that scares and saddens me on so many levels. I also know when the chips are down, yer pretty damn fond of what you have too. Sometimes I watch the 3 of you in the evenings and I feel like I am standing outside a shop window...very much on theoutside with an aching heart and fogging up the glass with my breath. I love you all so very much, I really do. Its kind oc runch time...but the question marks havent really gone away, theyve just gotten smaller and possibly changed to a quirkier font. They will get all bold again...time is like that.
I don't even know what my point was, I have successfully babbled without making much sense and I think its time to stop hehe.