A widget tale

[siercia]

Most of you who know me in real life know that I have a terrible time making choices. An overly stocked menu can send me flailing into "everything looks so good" paralysis that is only snapped by the panic of the waitress being RIGHT THERE pen at the ready. Forget about important life choices - they reduce me to a gibbering mess of indecision.

Widget has started doing the same thing. I'm torn by how to react to it. On the one hand, it drives me up a TREE (there's nothing like one of your bad habits reflected in your kid), especially the little eye roll I get when she asks me to pick for her, butI somehow pick wrong, but then she also won't take the opposite of what I picked. On the other, I don't know how to handle it. It is some inate nature that she's inherited from me, therefore immune to anything I might do? Is it some kind of insecurity or fear of being "wrong" that I should be concerned about and try to find ways to bolster her confidence? Is she sensing that it drives me out of my gourd and doing it on PURPOSE?

Then tonight at Friendly's when she was trying to decide which kid's sundae to have, she raised the bar.

"I want something like the kid's hot fudge, but I want to choose my toppings."
"How about the Candy Shop Sundae (where you can choose your flavor and two toppings, and whipped cream and a cherry) and pick what you want?"
"But I had that LAST week." (I know, but we somehow got into the routine of going to Friendly's after the library on Daddy's snowboarding night)
"Well, you can have it with different stuff on it this week. Or, you could ask for kid's hot fudge, but with a different sauce (thinking maybe she was hung up on ordering the one)."
"But then it won't be a kid's hot fudge"
"Well, I know, but you said you wanted something different that that."
"Fine, I'll have Candy Shop *sigh*"

(Note, this is about when I marched her out of Friendy's altogether, sighing over having to CHOOSE which ice cream sundae she wanted.)

And then there was 5 minutes of angst over which toppings, whereupon she ordered the same exact thing she ordered last week.

*headdesk*

Comments

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

Ohhhh dear, that's quite a habit to pick up.

indecision

[enochs-fable.livejournal.com]

I suspect it's inherited, but just because it is doesn't mean it's immune to what you can do - I'm sure you can think of your habits that you've developed tactics to corral in useful ways (or at least mitigate somewhat.)

Maybe you could suggest three different options, and have her pick from them, or give her ideas on how she could decide - not so much "what about the Candy Shop?" but ideas on what you do when there are too many choices?

That last one might be a way to help her (and you) come up with ways of dealing with decision paralysis in general.

This is timely, because I was talking to my mom last night, and she was talking about how they're bidding on a house. Their current house is paid off, and the main reason they might buy a new one is that it's a ranch they can move into with my grandfather.

She sighed and said, "I hate change. I don't deal well with it." I chuckled and mentioned, "well, I think we inherited that."

"But you and your brother do so much better."

I forbore to remind her how rigid my brother is in his habits and routines, and instead took it for a kind of compliment. I know that I'm not always great at accepting change, but it's a work in progress, if that makes any sense.

[halleyscomet.livejournal.com]

"the little eye roll I get when she asks me to pick for her, but I somehow pick wrong, but then she also won't take the opposite of what I picked."

I tried this routine with my Mother a few times. Her typical response to me, and to any of my siblings who did the same was "You gave someone else the choice. When you did that you lost the power to say anything about it." Further attempts to complain about the choice made would result in a repeated reminder that we'd abdicated our choice in the matter.

[bluealvarez.livejournal.com]

That's a pretty deep lesson in agency. Good for her.

[nevergivingaway.livejournal.com]

You = me.

Widget = Lily.

It's very, very frustrating. If I ask what she wants for dinner, it's always, "I don't know." If she's picking out a shirt it's, "I don't know."

I AM NOT GOING TO PICK OUT WHAT *YOU* WEAR!.

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

Hahah, how timely is this? :)


http://indexed.blogspot.com/2008/07/if-youre-lucky.html

[tool-of-satan.livejournal.com]

Kids are great imitators, so probably the best thing you could do would be to try to break yourself of this behavior - if you don't do it, she will probably eventually stop doing it.

(I realize this would be extremely difficult and therefore this is not a helpful response.)

[bluealvarez.livejournal.com]

(Note, this is about when I marched her out of Friendy's altogether, sighing over having to CHOOSE which ice cream sundae she wanted.)

Ha, this is what I was thinking. "A sigh, really? Man, ice cream sundae toppings are a good problem to have."

What can I say? Kids. ;P

[asnevitt.livejournal.com]

This is a very familiar scenario. And given that other mothers have said the same, I would start by considering it something more universal to child development than just an inherited bad habit.

That said, perhaps decision making is a developmental milestone and when we still have problems with it as adults, we have something to go back and explore.

In the given situation, I do wonder about her opening statement. She has set herself up with a conundrum - she wants the Kid's Fudge Thingy, but she wants it to be different, but then it won't be a Kid's Fudge Thingy. In some ways this is reflective of cleverness. I might have a silly conversation about the absurdity of it and then try to get her decide, does she want the Fudge Thingy or not? Why does she feel the need to order it if she wants a different flavor? Is the other item not on the kid's menu? If not, is she doing some of that natural struggling with wanting to do grown up things, but not wanting to give up the safety net of childhood. Every day there are steps into that mudhole at our house.

There's a lot of richness in this whole thing. She's smart and she's exploring concepts such as "when is something not itself anymore" along with the energies of power: owning it versus giving it away, etc. And, yet, she's too young to really articulate these things. The sigh is interesting, too. That's sort of a grown up thing to do. "Oh, I am just so tired of all this responsibility being so hard....." Yes, it's just ice cream and it's a bit absurd. But why is needing to express that? Some sort of play acting, feeling out an adult energy? DO you and Wiley sigh in exasperation or resignation? I'd play with the sighing. Make a game of it: "*sigh*, I guess I'll use a fork instead of a spoon." See what kind of things she chooses to use as the props for playing with sighing. She what kind of critiques of your sighing options she gives. It might help explain what she thinks she's expressing with the sigh. (I've seen her do, so I can totally picture the scene you've described.)

Anyway, those of some of my late night thoughts. Perhaps we can talk a little when I see you on Friday.

Oh, is she pushing your buttons on purpose? Likely. They're like button-seeking missiles, these children things. But, if so, toward what end? As annoying as it is to get our buttons pushed, it's usually some kind of experiment and something they're learning out of it. Figure that out and you might be able to diffuse this one in the future.

[metalliman502.livejournal.com]

should i expect to see a few more greys on your head the next time i see you? and since when have you had a facebook account?!?!?!?